So, let me be plain: I. Hate. Christmas.
I know, isn't that terrible? It's like hating... Democracy. It's practically Communist. But there you go.
I come by it honestly, though. Every holiday season for the past four years has been uniformly terrible, and I've just given up on the whole notion. Examples: Last year I got hit in the face by a boyfriend. Year before I found out I had HIV. Year before I was a homeless coke fiend.
You get the idea. I'm kind of a Grinch.
This holiday wasn't particularly stellar-- not nearly as bad though. Yes, I'm some sort of version of homeless, and my family is so broke we exchanged hugs. I wish I could say that we were overcome with the Christmas spirit, danced around in circles, sang songs about family togetherness and were happy, but no. This ain't the fucking movies. We were a bit glum, but we did okay.
The worst thing I had to endure, though, was a phone call from someone I knew at rehab.
Perhaps endure is the wrong word. I was happy to hear from her. You don't spend weeks sharing your soul with a group of people without loving them. What you hate to hear, however, is that they're using again.
Listen: I'm not perfect. I do drink, not to excess, but I know that my addictions counselor would have a fit. I stay away from drugs, and happily so, but I'm certainly no paragon of sobriety. I don't judge. I told her I loved her and that I would help her fix things any way I can.
It breaks my heart though. It just breaks my heart.
We talked on the phone for a while, I gave her my two cents, and I think when I got off the phone she knew what she had to do. I hope she does it. I pray that she does (yes, I DO pray, but don't tell anyone). I am glad she contacted me. There are too many people from rehab that I really care about who haven't. I hope they are safe this Christmas.
Listen: Christmas is a day like any other. You do the best that you can to get through the day, and hopefully this one is joyous, but if it's not, you get yourself through, and you work on staying well.
Do I have any particular message tonight? No. Is there a Christmas miracle in the works? Fuck no. You can't expect miracles. You have to do it yourself-- no-one else will, especially not a fat man in a suit. You don't get to exchange gifts every Christmas, and some holidays you don't even get to have a home. You make do, though, and you get yourself through.
So no miracles.
I have a wish though. I wish that all of you are safe tonight. I wish that all of you are well, and that you are taking care of yourself. Whether you're an addict or not, we all have unique, sometimes terrible, challenges. I wish-- I pray-- that you overcome them. And most of all, I pray that you know this: You are loved, by someone. At least one person loves you. It's me! So take care of yourself.
And maybe we can hang next Christmas. And dance around in a circle. Maybe sing a fucking song.
I love you. Stay well.
PS-- Here's a picture of a Dalek Christmas tree. Deal.