Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My Take on Ken Merman: You're A Rat Bastard!!!!

So at this point, most of you homos have heard about Ken Mehlman's big gay coming out party (complete with glitter gowns) which has been splashed all over the queer media.  If, however, you are one of my breeder allies, you may have missed it:  Former RNC Chair Ken Mehlman came out as a big flaming 'mo and is generally just a big pissant. 

I call him Ken Merman, and here's why!

He is that brand of magical, mythical person we call the Republican Homosexual-- that curious mix of right-wing rhetoric and buggery that seems to pop up incessantly amongst the Morally Superior.  This particular mythical creature, in particular, is far more mysterious and rare than most.  Not only is he an unrepentant buttfucker, he also ushered and guided the American Gestapo through arguably one of its most divisive and daring periods of time-- where it re-elected Queen Georgette based on a platform of moral restoration.  IE:  Smearing the queers. 

Let's see the facts:

During Merman's reign of terror, Georgette II was re-elected based on-- as seen in exit polls-- "Moral Values."  Essentially, setting back the gay civil rights movements by years.  How? 
During that fated re-election in 2004, under the shepherdship of Merman as Miz Bush's campaign manager, everyone got all in a tizzy that the lezzies and homos were going to get married and eat everyone's babies.  Who defended the Faith and the Faithful?  Georgette!  Election won!

During that election, and based on the climate of religious terror espoused by our hero, many states chose to enshrine discrimination in their whosiewhatsits by banning gay marriage!  In fact, during this political wizard's reign as campaign manager and RNC chief, 21 states ensured that gay Americans would be fucked up the butt-- and not with lube either!  With sandpaper!  And country music playing in the background!  Now discriminated against in their state constitutions, my lesbo friends can't adop their Malawi children with impunity... now they have to move to Massachusetts, and everyone knows that Boston accents are JUST TERRIBLE (what is a cah???  And how do you pahk it????).

While Kenny is certainly one of the most well-connected, more powerful, and just plain most nefarious of the bunch (mother fucker is STILL GIVING BOOKOO BUCKS TO ANTI-GAY POLITICIANS), he certainly ain't the only queer in the Republican party.  How many times in the past decade have we outed evangelicals and closet airport butthumpers????  How many more times will we have to hear about Mr. Sucksalotocock the important Senator getting pulled over coming from the "private men's establishments???"

Here's their excuse:  They struggled with their sexuality, it was all part of their personal journey, so sorry!  It was part of my coming to terms with it! 

Well, GUESS WHAT, asshole, and here's where I stop joking:  You are a selfish, rotten bastard.  I have no sympathy for you.  Your personal journey?!  You mean your personal journey that affected thousands-- tens!  hundreds of thousands!-- of Americans?   Seems like a pretty fucking public journey to me. 

As many of you know, I come from the wondrous, mist-shrouded fairyland known as Eugene, Oregon.  I have often prided myself on being a liberal raised by liberals in a liberal state.  During that black, terrible election that doomed our country to four more years of nepotism and misdirection, a constitutional amendment was proposed and put on the ballot banning gay marriage.  "Not in Oregon!"  I said.  "Oh no!" I chortled, "We don't do hate shit in my hood!"

I WAS CRUSHED.  My own home, in the end, decided to defile my state's constitution by enshrining within it vile propagandist bullshit blocking me-- and many gay Portlanders who already had-- from marrying the person that I chose to. 


Because of the air of fear that this fuckhead and people of his disgusting ilk promoted.  Because of their greed (how do you like your multi-million dollar home in oh-so-gay Chelsea, Mr. Merman?).  Because they wanted to re-elect someone and keep the paychecks coming in.  Because of their fearmongering, I lost faith in the idea that my liberal bastion was unsullied by this kind of fuckery. 

I lay this at the feet of your PERSONAL JOURNEY, closeted greedy republican queer, and furthermore I say this:

FUCK your personal journey.  Mine's already been smeared.  FUCK your privacy.  You have made my personal life a matter of national debate.  And most of all, Ken Mehlman, FUCK YOU.  How dare you beg forgiveness and decide that you can just suddenly be as gay as you can be?  How can you suddenly decide that you like the homos?  Your thirty silver pieces pocketed, you walk away from the noose and decide to get a loft?  You disgust me.

Fuck.  You.


Newsflash: AngryQueer is a Busy Fuck

So I haven't been posting, and I'm sorry.  I'm a grade-A asshat and here's why:  I've been busy!  Moving, panic attack, bickering with the Very Gay Boyfriend, panic attack, hitting the cat-- my days are jam-packed!  More pearls of wisdom to come, I promise.  :D  <---- that is a smiley face.  That means you forgive me.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

All hail Queen Betty!

It's a good thing we all love Betty White (and if you don't, imma getcha), because that trick is taking over every form of media ever!

Not only is a star of big screen and television but now she's going to write two new books:  I'm Funnier than Bea Arthur, and the sure to be hit My Yeasty Muffin: Thank God Menopause is Over.

Just kidding!  They're going to be about some boring shit-- one about her life in Hollywood and the other about some animals she likes at the LA zoo.

Shit, good for her!  Though my favorite from Miz White is during the McCain/Palin campaign:

[USA Today]

Friday, August 13, 2010

Our Current Gay President HATES Ground Zero! J/K.

In a White House celebration of Ramadan, Mistah Prez Barry stated his support for the supposed "Ground Zero Mosque":

“I understand the emotions that this issue engenders. Ground zero is, indeed, hallowed ground,” the president said in remarks prepared for the annual White House iftar, the sunset meal breaking the day’s fast.
But he continued: “This is America, and our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakable. The principle that people of all faiths are welcome in this country, and will not be treated differently by their government, is essential to who we are.”
  [The NY Times]

But, really kids, fo' real, fo' real?  Are we really getting pissed off over this?

Let's look at it.  The location of the so-called "mosque" is two blocks away, in a pre-existing building in the middle of a city block.  Ground Zero is neither visible nor actually present at the site.

AND IT AIN'T A MOSQUE.  It's a community center with a prayer space.  NO minaret, NO shouty muezzin, just an unobtrusive community center.  See the WaPo post below for a reference:

[NewsWeek/The Washington Post]

So really, any objections these chodes have are about as meaningful as the objections of these eggs:

Oh, and c'mon.  You know Miz Barry O. is totally gay.

Score One for the First Gay President!

Okay, so in case you didn't know, Abraham Lincoln was a big 'mo.  If you don't believe me, read this highly factual article from the always correct Wikipedia:

[Just Trust Ian On This One]

Anywho, these gay-hating folks think that Abe Lincoln would want you to vote Christian:

Okay, let's take it for granted that the Family Research Council is a bunch of jerktards.  Let's also examine the fact that Tony Perkins, the president of the FRC and the super-facty historian in the video above... has ties to former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke!  Plus is rumored to be getting a divorce!  This guy is waaaaay values-oriented.

Least important, perhaps (cuz who really cares what a dead guy would urge us to do in today's politics) is what Lincoln actually thought:
Lincoln: "The Bible is not my book nor Christianity my profession. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma." Lincoln: "My earlier views of the unsoundness of the Christian scheme of salvation and the human origin of the scriptures have become clearer and stronger with advancing years, and I see no reason for thinking I shall ever change them."

I love this guy!  Tony Perkins is my fave COMEDIAN OF THE WEEK!  Cuz he has to be joking... right?

Sweaty Butthole Visits The Troops!

Her Royal Highness Queen Georgette Bush II visited the troops this week! 

via [the LA Times]:

Former President George W. Bush and his wife, Laura, made a surprise visit to U.S. troops this afternoon.
They showed up at the USO in the Dallas-Fort Worth airport. There they mingled with the returning soldiers, thanked them, chatted and posed for photos as proof of the unexpected encounter for folks back home.

How sweet!  What would perhaps have been nicer is if it read:

Former President George W. Bush and his wife, Laura, made a surprise visit to U.S. troops this afternoon, because they had nothing better to do.
They showed up at the USO, sweaty and looking a bit thicker around the middle, in the Dallas-Fort Worth airport. There they mingled with the returning soldiers, apologized for starting the war that they had spent the past who-knows-how-long trying to clean up, and gave each of them a month-long vacation to Maui.  Mr. Bush was quoted as saying, "Hey guys!  Hawaii is way better than Crawford, TX!  I need my nap, Uncle Cheney is gonna visit and he's scary.  Bye!"
 THAT'S what it should read.  

This Fucking Thing

I submit, for your consideration, what passes for art in Seattle's public spaces:

The VERY gay boyfriend and I were strolling through Cal Anderson on the way to my manse when we espied this treasure.

Yes, my friends, it's a golden shopping cart on top of an American flag containing a fake-ass tree. 

What.  The.  Fuck.

I suppose it has something to do with American consumerism in relation to the environment, but I want to stress that this crapfest was left... on a hill... with no-one around...  and no placard.  If you're gonna protest... can we at least have a sign with inflammatory catchphrases?  I mean, really.  This dipshizzle wired together some branches, stole a shopping cart and painted it gold, then parked the whole shitbox on top of an American flag. 

Then WALKED AWAY.  Ugh!  Ladies and gentlehookers, Seattle's youthful foray into the arts. 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Hey Everyone! Pee-Wee Herman is Sciency!

Pee-Wee came up with the perfect defense!

Paul Reuben was talking to Playboy (all the respectable sorts do) about the accusations against him and he brought up a foolproof point that is sure to dispel rumors that he is a gross public masturbating weirdo (which he is)!

The Hermabator says:

“Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand. I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn’t have been me.”

Clearly!  Tho, I would just like to say that SOMEONE I know (not me!  I don't ever masturbate) is left-handed and masturbates with his right hand.  That guy is a right freak and no mistake!

via [Fox411]

And since we're talking about Pee-Wee Herman, here's the creepiest PSA ever!  Now I'm never going to do crack cocaine.  Dammit!

Ahhhhhhhhhahahaha! Why Weren't Dogs Allowed at the White House...

...20 years ago?!  Because they chased the quails and pissed on the bushes!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhahahaha!

Why do I drag this tired joke out of the annals of history?  Because li'l Benny Quayle is running for Congress in Arizona, and he has some veeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwy stwong woyds for da pwesident!

Mmmmmmmmmmhmmm.  Mr. Obama may be the worst Prez... but at least he can spell potato, asshole!

My VERY gay boyfriend just brought up a good point: Doesn't he look like Will Truman and Jack McFarland had a baby and it grew up to be a conservative butthole?

Hey Assholes! Help Me Find a Place for Calliope to Live!

Here's my shameless plea for help:  Calliope (my adorable cat) and I (pretty adorable too) need to rent a room in seattle for about $600/month.  Let me know if you hear of anything!

Because nothing is sad like this face being homeless:

Rod Blagoj...something's Jury is Filled With Drunk People Who Smoke Crack With Marion Barry

I mean, they HAVE to be!  The jury in Roddie B.'s corruption trial is out for the week, saying they were only able to agree on two counts of the 24 counts he is accused of.

Are you serious?  Just look at this man.  LOOK at him.  He is bad, jurists, and you should feel bad!  Just look at that effed up hair!  What kind of fuckery is this?!

Anything would look better!  He would look more innocent if he was a pissed off cat dressed up like Raggedy Andy.  Look at this cat!  Who would do this?!

[the Sun Times]

This Guy is Naked and Jumps Around a Lot.

I'm not sure what this guy's deal is but he is naked and jumps around a lot. 

Must be nice.  Anyway, NSFW.

Morgan Tepsic's Naked Stop-Motion Extravaganza! from Morgan Tepsic on Vimeo.

Spider-Man the Musical-- Worst. Project. Ever.

If you care about superheroes (like I do) or musicals (like I don't) then you will have heard about the upcoming Broadway musical riding on the coattails of the insanely popular Spider-Man movie franchise starring Toby Maguire. 

Here's their crap website:  http://spidermanonbroadway.marvel.com/

I was a bit excited-- I mean, Alan Cummings was going to play the Green Goblin, what's not to like?  Evan Rachel Wood as Mary Jane?  That bitch is pretty sweet. 

Well, those dudes have dropped out and now some other jabronis are in it.  The original release date in February was pushed to November, and now to December-- AFTER being rescued from the rubbish heap by his Royal Rockness himself, the incomparable (no, I don't mean any of these nice things I'm saying) sunglassed-one... Bono. 

After all this, we now hear it's going to be the most expensive musical in the history of Broadway.  So it better be awesome, right?

Well, click on the link below and you will see a rendering of one of the sets:


Uh.  I now see why Alan C. left.  Is it just me or is that a chicken wire beaker?

Bono:  if you want to toss some money about, just hire me!  I know ALL about building shit outta chicken wire.  Clearly it's your fave!  I can make anything!  Want a car?  Rocket ship?  Insanely expensive Broadway musical that no-one wants to touch but you?  I'm your man!

I have a headache.

I'm just a real pissed off guy.

So I used to have this blog thingie on myspace, and it was lots of fun-- who didn't think myspace was fun back in the day?  I wrote about the news, my friends read it, we all had a laugh.

Of course, then I grew up.  I realized that myspace sucks, and the news is shite, and there's really not that much to laugh about.  Really, I just got older, and crankier, and I decided watching the Mighty Boosh was more important than educating my ignorant-ass friends about politics.  So I stopped writing.

However, my friend Chuck has decided that I need to do something productive with my free time, so I'm going to just really tell you about the stuff I get pissed about.  Maybe the news, maybe my life, mostly Seattle public art (cuz that stuff is really crap for sure). 

And maybe sometimes friends that make me do productive shit instead of drinking PBR and watching nonsense BBC shows. 

Thanks, Chuck.  Thanks a lot.