Tuesday, March 1, 2011

OneAngryClotheshorse: The Oscars 2011

I'm back kids! With all of this Oscar tomfoolery going on, you MUST have been thinking "Gee, I wonder what Wesley Darling thinks of all of the Red Carpet fashions?"

Well, they were mostly pretty damn boring. Actresses in pretty dresses getting hot and bothered about little gold statuettes just don't raise my blood pressure. However, since I get one shot per week to rant on Ian's blog, I figured I'd share a few of my favorite looks anyway... terrible, terrible eyesores on mostly B-C-and Z list celebrities!

I don't tend to fall in love with pretty dresses, it's too easy. There were very few challenging, memorable outfits at the Academy Awards this year (safe is the new black, loves) and I would much rather honor those fallen soldiers of fashion who perished screaming in their hot-mess dresses. There's even one young man (A-list, no less!) who made me want to laugh, scream, and cry, simultaneously. Let's start the show!
Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Couture
My first victim of the night is Cate Blanchett. Always a risk-taker, Cate takes "architectural fashion" to a new level, choosing to house her breasts in what looks like a cross between a gazebo and a grotto from the Little Mermaid (if you look closely the little beads look more like barnacles!). She paints the whole mess lilac and strews yellow blossoms all about. Hidden in the center of the dress is a cleverly hidden string - pull it and the curtains spring apart like opening night on Broadway. Ta Da!
Gayle King in...who the hell cares?

Holy shit-on-a-shingle. This devastating siren, ladies and gentlemen, is Oprah's "Best Friend." They go everywhere together, yet Gayle leaves the house looking like this... Girl, you must have pissed your meal-ticket off BAD to be let out of the house in this. Starting at the top: her hair is simultaneously greasy AND frizzy (In her off-hours, Gayle is a lab animal for John Frieda) and she has terrible drugstore makeup, which is applied with a trowel and smeared to perfection. We arrive at the glorious fuckery that is her off-the-rack, Jessica McClintock-knockoff $35 prom dress, which is twisted, tortured, ruched, wrinkled, and coming apart at the hem. Her boobs hang listlessly, like moody, overweight teenagers. Continuing the theme of the depressed high school girl, she finishes the look with a gold snakeskin mini-backpack from Claire's.
Emma Stone in Chanel Fall 2009 Couture
It says a lot about how safe actresses are dressing at awards shows (particularly this one) that I had to pull the rest of my photos from the Vanity Fair Oscar After-party. I have no idea who this crazy broad is but I want to party with HER. Look at that face. She has been drinking since 9 o'clock in the morning, can barely stand on her PRECIOUS little purple pumps, just got fucked in the back of the limo, and has something bitchy to say about EVERY A-list actress she walks past. This is the kind of girl you have to watch out for, or she'll put out her cigarette on your arm when you're not looking. Or even if you are. She doesn't give a fuck. Meanwhile, honey... it looks like you tucked the back of your dress into your pantyhose. Also, the fireworks going off on your tits are a little distracting.
Lea Michele in Roberto Cavalli
Oh honey NO. Snakes look that way in nature for a reason - it's God's way of saying "Don't touch me, I will kill you." This dress is AWFUL on her, which makes me so sad because she's one of my favorite actresses ever. THIS IS RACHEL FROM GLEE looking like a Telemundo reality show reject, wearing Dorothy Zbornak's favorite caftan. She has been getting a lot of flak lately for wearing dresses that are SUPER sexy, (check out the cover of Cosmopolitan for March) so maybe she's just given up on being hot. She honestly looks like she threw on a pair of Liberace's pajamas, put her hair in a scrunchie, and slumped out the door. She probably has a pair of fuzzy pink bunny rabbit slippers on under the dress.
Anika Noni Rose in a skinned muppet.

I wasn't going to write about Ms. Rose (Noni Rose?) but I had to say SOMETHING. After all, Big Bird died to make this dress. The least I could do was provide a short obituary. The orange satin is pretty on her though...pity it had to be trimmed with one of my childhood heroes.

Later today: Wesley Darling puts the smack down on ladies who think the "unmilked cow" look is perfect for the spring season and one unlucky gentleman who wanted to wear a gunny sack on his big night. Stay tuned!

Photo Credits - Elle.com/Style.com/Getty images/wireimage...all photographs are the property of their respective owners. OneAngryQueer and OneAngryClotheshorse claim no credit for the images used in these or any posts unless otherwise noted.


  1. I think that last counts as a mara-boo-boo

  2. Jim- once I described a gal's updo as a big "Brigitte Bar-Don't."