Hello lovers! Here's part 2 of my Oscar-fashion rant extravaganza. Part 1 can be found here. Remember - the only thing as wonderful as great fashion... is BAD FASHION.
Paz De La Huerta in one of Dina Martina's old stage costumes
In Part 1 of this post, I compared Lea Michele's heartbreaking sparkle-snake extravaganza to a Telemundo reject. Continuing that theme, Paz de la Huerta shows us her big Cha-Cha! Ay, dios mio. You don't see a lot of free-range vagina at awards shows these days. It's like a solar eclipse - I know I shouldn't stare directly at it but it's so unusual I can't look away. I wonder if it's intentional? Maybe she got in a bitchfight with Emma Stone and her dress got torn. That would also explain her makeup (or bruises, who knows?). Whatever happened, Paz looks SUPER grumpy about it... like a cow whose udders are sore because she hasn't been milked in a while. It would explain the lack of a bra... that shit has got to chafe.
Joan Collins in one of her old Dynasty costumes
YES! I hope I look half as good as she does when I'm dead. Seriously, this breathtaking vision is the incomparable Joan Collins - the only JC that matters. Check her out, judging the mere mortals around her. Deciding who lives... and who dies. I defy you to gaze upon this tower of feminine glory and not want to THROW THE BITCH INTO A LILY POND. Her dress DOES look like it could use watering.
Justin Timberlake in Tom Ford
Last but not least, bitches - check out THIS asshat. Clad in a wrinkled tux stolen from Lawrence Welk circa 1974, Justin Timberlake clearly thinks his shit don't stink. Look at that face. He knows he looks terrible. It's all just a big joke to him. You could smuggle children in those pants (or, judging by that goofy-ass grin, a big 'ol bong) and nobody would know. It's really saying something when a black tuxedo, white dress shirt, and black bow tie look THIS unfortunate.
I'm exhausted! Tearing up celebrities makes me SO thirsty. Thanks SO much for reading, loves... I'm going to go pour myself a Manhattan and find myself a sparkly caftan to play dress-up in.
Photo Credits - Elle.com/Style.com/Getty images/wireimage...all photographs are the property of their respective owners. OneAngryQueer and OneAngryClotheshorse claim no credit for the images used in these or any posts unless otherwise noted.