Anger, Grief, And Me

Hello.

I've missed writing for you.

I stopped writing for many reasons, all of which are nobody's business but mine. The reasons were mostly financial and partly because I didn't want to expose my heart.

However, I've had some setbacks recently, emotionally. The biggest was probably one of the most important I can ever speak of. 

I have been told that I should write about it so I can get a handle on it. Two people very important to me asked me to write it out.

Do you remember the piece I wrote approximately ten thousand years ago? About how angry I was at the time? Turns out I'm still pretty angry. In fact, I am pissed off in a way I didn't think I could ever be.

You see, my mother died recently.

I am so angry about that. 

I am angry that she was abusive. I am angry that she had such mental illness that I was unable to love her without blocking her out of my life.

I am angry that I couldn't be there for her the past five years. I am angry that she was so hateful and so awful in the depth of her illness that she could not accept my love. I am angry that she used to beat me and oh boy, am I so fucking angry that I did not realize that was abuse until I was an adult.

I'm really fucking angry that I ditched work to go clean out her fucking apartment once she died. I'm angry that I had to hold my sister while she sobbed on my shirt because we had to clean out the abattoir that was her bathroom, where she fell and died. I am so angry that my sister had so much pain.

I'm furious that I had to clean up her toiletries while standing on her dried blood.

I am so angry she died alone. I'm absolutely enraged at the fact that the woman I loved and feared went out without any of us there. I am so furious at her for driving us all way so completely that she spent days, alone, dead, in her bathroom.

I'm really fucking angry that I'm going through photos that she had socked away and I'm tossing a lot of them because they infuriate me. I'm just so angry. I told her goodbye because she was abusive and terrible to me. Years ago. Years.

But here I am. Sad and angry.

For both of us.