Oh Hail Naw

The Family Leader, an ultra-conservative Christian group in Iowa, has created a document called "The Marriage Vow – A Declaration of Dependence upon Marriage and Family," which they have asked Republican candidates for President to sign.  It is a firm pledge to uphold "family values," and those who would sign the pledge must agree to the following principles (to include the banning of pornography).  From ThinkProgress:

Bitch, don't fuck with my porn.

– HOMOSEXUALITY IS A CHOICE: The preface to the pledge reads, “Social protections…have been evaporating as we have collectively ‘debased the currency’ of marriage…in complete absence of empirical proof, that non-heterosexual inclination are genetically determined, irresistible and akin to innate traits like race, gender and eye color; as well as anti-scientific bias which holds, against all empirical evidence, that homosexual behavior in particular, and sexual promiscuity in general, optimizes individual or public health.” Footnote 8 reiterates this notion.

– HOMOSEXUALITY IS LIKE POLYGAMY, ADULTERY, POLYANDRY: Vow 4 requires the candidate to pledge “Vigorous opposition to any redefinition of the Institution of Marriage…through statutory, bureaucratic, or court-imposed recognition of intimate unions which are bigamous, polygamous, polyandrous, same-sex.”

– HOMOSEXUALITY IS A PUBLIC HEALTH RISK: Footnote 4 claims that homosexuality causes shorter life expectancy and a higher probability of a long list of sexually transmitted diseases. The Leader has previously compared same-sex marriage to second-hand smoking.

– SEX IS BETTER AFTER MARRIAGE: Vow 5 requires the candidate to support the notion that “married people enjoy better health, better sex.”

– PORNOGRAPHY SHOULD BE BANNED: Vow 9 stipulates that the candidate must “support human protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy” and protect them from “seduction into promiscuity and all forms of pornography…and other types of coercion or stolen innocence.”

– REJECT SHARIA ISLAM: Vow 11 requires the candidate to reject Sharia law.

Right?  Kind of a stinker of a document, requiring signers to basically attach their name to some policies that would be extremely unpopular.  Who the hell would sign it?

You guessed it.  My favorite crazytrain, Michele Bachmann, has put her name on it and vowed to end pornography in the United States of America.

I've worked in numerous porn stores, and while I do not really watch pornography all that often (it gets old after a while and I'm too busy besides), don't fuck with my right to watch hot gay boning whenever I want.  Not only is this a booming industry (I thought you didn't want industry regulation, Mrs. Bachmann) that supports a LOT of employees in this country, there are far better industries to tackle that do a lot more harm.  

The idea that sex is bad is one I firmly reject.  I'm sorry that Mrs. Bachmann had to get herself hitched while she was a young chit of a thing, but the rest of us plan on having lots of fulfilling, happy sex for the rest of our lives.  And in my case, no, it probably won't be with just one person.  Banning pornography (but not, say, big tobacco or violence on TV) helps no one and certainly doesn't change the way people are going to fuck.

You know what?  I would love to peruse the browsing history of Mr. Bachmann's laptop and see just what he would think about a ban on porn.  

Gaydar Offers Marcus Bachmann Free Membership

Citing Mr. Bachmann's recent "popularity" with gay blogs across the country recently, self-describe gay dating mega-site Gaydar.net has offered the aspiring First Mister a free lifetime membership.

"Marcus Bachmann is popping up on everyone else’s gaydar, we figure he might want to be on the real Gaydar! With over six million members, we like to think Gaydar is the picture of inclusivity–from swarthy barbarians to piggy politicos–all are welcome!"

Nice.  

Oh, Brad! We Heart You Too.

Extreme hot beast Brad Pitt is almost as happy as the the queers that they can get married in New York, and sent this statement to People magazine to tell us all about it:

"It is encouraging that New York has joined the movement to grant equal marriage rights to its citizens. But it is each American's Constitutional right to marry the person they love, no matter what state they inhabit. No state should decide who can marry and who cannot. Thanks to the tireless work of so many, someday soon this discrimination will end and every American will be able to enjoy their equal right to marriage."

Brad has been a staunch supporter of marriage equality, having donated $100,000 to fight Proposition 8 in California and publicly declaring that he would not marry longtime partner Angelina Jolie until marriage was available to every American.  

Plus, just because I would totally do sodomy stuff with him, I'm going to post pictures of him shirtless.  Ian Awesome + Brad Pitt 4Evah!

Wilson Cruz: Yeah, He's Hot Now. Weird.

Found via Queerty: Remember this guy?

This is Wilson Cruz, as his most famous portrayal of bisexual teen Enrique Vasquez on My So-Called Life.  


This is Wilson now:

Ahem.  Yeah.  How 'bout that.

I found some other fapworthy photos via the series of tubes:

Woof.

Brazilian Woman Wins Right To Wank At Work

Ana Catarian Bezerra has... a problem. 

Suffering from severe anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder, Ana found herself trapped in a cycle of repeating the same comfort ritual up to 47 times daily.  Desperate to break this unhealthy mental trap, she turned to psychiatry and is now receiving treatment.  She's down to about 18 times a day.

And what is this comfort ritual?  Masturbation.

Her problem is so severe that if she doesn't find her... uh, release... she succumbs to a severe panic attack.  That could make things a little uncomfortable in the accounting firm she works at.  Of course, her less forward-thinking coworkers objected to her nonstop frottage, so she had to go to court to defend her need to fap.  And won.

"As a result of her debilitating dexterity, Ana ended up in a legal battle and even had to go to court. I’m guessing no-one badgered the witness, since she was probably busy doing that herself. Now she’s receiving professional medical help and has been prescribed with a ‘cocktail’ of tranquillisers. The good news is that she’s now down to eighteen wanks a day, and has full legal protection every time she gets the tingle in the office. She’s also allowed to watch porn on her work computer to help her along."

I don't really think I need say more about this.  It kind of speaks for itself.

[SabotageTimes]

Thanks to Michael Sebastian Lux for the... hot... tip.

Bin Laden Loved the Porn

More proof that religious fundamentalists are just as pervy as the rest of us-- the soldiers who raided bin Laden's Abbottabad compound found not only sensitive documents detailing Al Qaeda plans for future terror plots, but also a trove of porno.

 "I shave my palm every day!"

"The news agency reported that the 'pornography recovered in bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, consists of modern, electronically recorded video and is fairly extensive,' based on discussions with current and former officials.

"No further details were provided, as the officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said they did not know how the materials were acquired or where in the compound they were found."

Ol' Osama was just as much a fan of having one off the wrist as the rest of us, I suppose.

[TheRawStory]

Jake Shears is a Nasty Pig (NSFW)

Jake Shears got some schwag from popular play gear company Nasty Pig and decided to model one of the jockstraps for the Twitterverse.

I've long harbored a big time crush on Jake and am glad the Scissor Sisters frontman feels comfortable enough to show off his tasty nalgas.  Here are some other juicy pics of the crooner:

NOM Would Like to Look as Stupid as Possible This Year, Thanks.

Remember that stupid cow Carrie Prejean who was Ms. California USA and came out as an anti-gay bigot during the pageant?  Remember how she became best friends with National Organization for Marriage?

Then remember how she had her crown taken from her in disgrace when her masturbation porno tape surfaced?  And remember how NOM fled in terror from the whole debacle?

An interesting twist just surfaced in the whole thing.  From the Village Voice:

"Well, outside Sister Act last night, a guy aproached me and said,

"'Hi, Michael, I'm Keith Lewis from the Miss California USA pageant.'

"'Oh, you're the one who ripped the crown off Carrie,' I noted, grinning. 'Congrats!'

"'Well, now we're being sued by NOM,' he informed me, meaning the National Organization for Marriage group that Carrie had been a spokesperson for.

"The suit has something to do with NOM accusing the pageant of releasing damaging (i.e. true) info about Carrie, as opposed to the press having dug it up by itself.

"'Huh?" I screeched. 'NOM is suing you? But NOM fired Carrie too!'

"'Well' said Lewis, 'nowadays people can do just about anything.'

NOM needs to get themselves better publicists, because they are getting really good at stepping in it lately.  I mean, first they send threatening emails to Louis Marinelli and now this?  When you distance yourself from an individual, you're not supposed to then remind everyone 18 months later that they were the face of your organization.

Asshats.

[VillageVoice]

Speaking of Hairy Hotties...

Maybe Keahu should have taken a cue from Mark Ruffalo and gotten hairy as hell.

Mark Ruffalo has been cast to play the Hulk in the upcoming Avengers flick and I'm excited to see the big green guy with chest hair for the first time.  Plus, Mark Ruffalo is just cute as a button.  Here's a still shot from his interview with the Advocate where he says: 

"No one’s asked me to shave my chest yet, thank God. They want this Hulk to be as close to me as possible. I’ll be playing him in motion-capture, so this Hulk will just be a bigger avatar version of me. As they’re modeling him, they’re using many of my own features, down to my scars and wrinkles. He will have body hair, but I don’t know to what extent."

Of course, when the interviewer asks him if he knew his chest hair was popular with teh gayz, he got all bashful and "I had no idea!" then relates a touching story about how he met his first homo.  Whatevs, just leave me alone with the magazine for ten minutes. 

[Advocate]

Marlon Teixeira: Yummo!

Yes, I DID get all Rachel Ray over this guy, but look at him!  Marlon's ad with Diesel kinda made me need to take a cold shower.  I found some others of the young buck following the ad.

Grant Storms Admits His Hypocrisy

AHA!  Grant Storms, giving an interview after his arrest following an afternoon masturbathon in a children's park, was "tearful and apologetic" today, admitting "I'm a hypocrite."

"Storms said in a news conference Tuesday that he was not watching the children, but he did have his hand in his pants. He apologized to those he has hurt, and he said he was sorry for targeting Decadence, an annual gay festival in the French Quarter.

"Storms said he is seeking help for a problem with pornography, which he called a recent issue. He also said he is not living at home -- he held the news conference from a motel -- and he asked for the media to respect his privacy."

Holy shitballs-- for once not only does a disgraced conservative apologize for his mistakes, but he acknowledges that harassing a gay Pride celebration was a bad thing.  I mean, he's still a slimeball, but good for him.

[WDSU]

Amputees Are Hot. Who Knew?

Evidently Thierry Mugler (say that three times fast) from A*Men Fragrance.

I don't know if this stinkum smells good- but their Paralympic World Champion sprinter sure LOOKS good.  Look at him!  I would totes polish up those prosthetics for him.  Maybe paint them a nice color.  I think he's THAT hot.

[Towleroad]

The Biggest Threat to Marriage is No Longer the Gays

It's Facebook!  I bet you National Organization for Marriage won't take THEM on.

"It used to be the tell-tale lipstick on the collar. Then there were the give-away texts that spelled the death knell for many marriages.  But now one in five divorces involve the social networking site Facebook, according to a new survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.  A staggering 80 per cent of divorce lawyers have also reported a spike in the number of cases that use social media for evidence of cheating."

While never on Facebook, I can now fault two of my breakups due to infidelity discovered on social networking media (and I'm not saying who did the cheating).  As communication technology gets more advanced, cheating is easier and easier-- albeit with a larger paper trail.  What's next-- devices that can send virtual handjobs?  Hmmm.  I need a cold shower.

Zeb Atlas Plus Pearly Gates= WTF

Pearly Gates did a cover of Diana Ross' "Love Hangover" starring her in-video love interest Zeb Atlas.  Zeb, to those of you who are scratching your heads, starred in the film Best Men Parts 1 & 2, which is a movie... uh... grown ups only.  Gay ones.  







I want to know how he moves his head, it looks physically impossible.

Ryan Reynolds Loves The Gays and Looks Good in Green Computer-Generated Tights

I'm sure he gets enough props, but one of my wet dreams Ryan Reynolds is not only going to star in The Green Lantern, but he loves the gays, is Canadian (I love those guys even if I hate their beer), and just got named People's Sexiest Man Alive.  Here he is.

Ooh!  I know what I want for Xxxmas!

This One Likes Me, I Can Tell

This smooth operator, Renato Ferreira, lives in Rio and CLEARLY wants to make a baby with me.  Hmmm, I have a friend I can visit down in Brazil... 

Via Made In Brazil:

A Program Like This is in My Future, I Can Tell

South Korean men who are too busy or too fugly to find a wife:  The answer is here!

Korean software developer Nabix has released a cell phone app with a virtual girlfriend-- lonely hearts, rejoice!

"Launched on November 30 by Nabix, a South Korean developer, the iPhone application 'Honey it's me!' is warming lonely hearts with the voice of 'Mina,' a 20-something virtual woman.
For $1.99, Mina will make video-calls four times a day, showering subscribers with a message of bliss from 100 available. With recorded messages such as 'good night, sweet dreams,' Nabix said it would help subscribers feel someone cares for them and is consistently thinking of them."

Uh, does it make my phone vibrate?  No reason!  Just asking!  Er... Does it?

iPhone cultists everywhere are VERY excited about this.  Of course, who am I to judge?  When the gay version comes out for Palm phones, I'm going to fix my disastrous love life with a handsome phone robot.  Real boys always somehow object to me!

[YahooNews]

Chris Hemsworth: Sex God as Norse God

Ok, guys, so the dude that they picked to play Thor in the upcoming movie (released in May right after my birthday, hint hint, take me to this movie) is a hot fuckin' beast, and I don't even particularly LIKE beards on blonds:

"Why yes, Ian, of COURSE you can eat sushi off of my stomach, help yourself!"

Trailer for my newest favourite fapfest below:

Hey Everyone! Pee-Wee Herman is Sciency!

Pee-Wee came up with the perfect defense!

Paul Reuben was talking to Playboy (all the respectable sorts do) about the accusations against him and he brought up a foolproof point that is sure to dispel rumors that he is a gross public masturbating weirdo (which he is)!

The Hermabator says:

“Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand. I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn’t have been me.”

Clearly!  Tho, I would just like to say that SOMEONE I know (not me!  I don't ever masturbate) is left-handed and masturbates with his right hand.  That guy is a right freak and no mistake!

via [Fox411]

And since we're talking about Pee-Wee Herman, here's the creepiest PSA ever!  Now I'm never going to do crack cocaine.  Dammit!